These are the five worst things you can say to a photographer

I've been a professional photographer for a year now, and there are five things clients say which get my goat. I don't have a literal goat, you understand - lugging my camera, lenses, tripod and laptop to shoots is enough without dragging an unwilling ruminant along with me too. But I'm sure these well-meaning but irritating questions and statements would annoy any creature able to understand language. Disclaimer: none of the three lovely clients pictured in this article said any of these things. Here goes...

1. 'Your shots are good - it must be your camera'

A backhanded compliment if ever I heard one. In 24 years of being a writer, no one has ever said, 'Your prose is good – it must be your laptop'. Competent toilet plumbing isn't attributed to a decent plunger, and excellent cleaning isn't the work of a good sponge. Yet somehow clients think my camera is responsible for them looking attractive, rather than my eye for aesthetics coupled with my technical prowess behind the lens. I'm glad they like the shots, but perhaps they could credit me for them instead of the expensive box which captures light?

2. 'Can you take free photos of me over and above the brief?'

I will do this, because of the phrase 'anything for an easy life'. It's easier to just say yes than to piss clients off on the day and create an atmosphere, or demand extra cash on the spot. A happy client means better photos. However, to go back to my example of the plumber, no one would expect him to plumb in a washing machine when he's only come round to unblock the toilet – and if they did ask him, he'd make them pay through the nose (a nose which would already be affronted by the blocked loo). Yet when I'm standing there checking my shots, clients think I'm actually just pissing about, so why wouldn't I be free to take a few extra cheeky snaps? Sigh.

3. 'Can you take photos of me in really bad light?'

Some clients have their hearts set on being captured in a location with terrible lighting, despite your explanation that it'll make them look awful. To be fair, once you've taken a few shots and shown them how bad they are on the preview screen, they generally relent and follow your direction, because they don't want to look like a dog's dinner. But when they don't relent, and the shots look rubbish, and then they post them up on social media and attribute them to you out of a mistaken belief that's what you want, it makes you look like you don't know what you're doing. This is not the kind of press you need.

4. 'That's not my best side/I only want to be shot from this angle'

Arrrgh. I feel like asking, 'Who do you think you are, Mariah Carey?!' Often clients are confused as to what makes them look best, and refusing to strike your requested poses can mean your photos don't turn out as well as they could. This attitude can be especially frustrating in group shots where you're trying to arrange the clients in a way that looks aesthetically pleasing: 'Oh no, I simply don't *do* that angle!' Vanity is the enemy of great composition.

5. 'Can we just do some extra shots [with surprise added guests/in new location]?'

As the saying goes, fail to plan and you plan to fail, and that can go double for surprises a client springs on you. If you didn't know you were going to be shooting outdoors or indoors, or that you were going to be photographing ten people instead of two or vice-versa, it can not only flummox you and throw you off-balance, it can also mean you don't have the right gear. I only want to shoot portraits with my trusted Nifty Fifty, ideally in natural light with the subject facing a window, not in a windowless room with ugly artificial downlights; equally, I don't want to be stuck shooting groups with a 50mm lens, having to zoom out by walking backwards! But saying 'I haven't brought the right gear' for unexpected requests sounds unprofessional.

Seriously, who'd be a photographer?!