Joke Thread

[wavemachine]

Thought it would be nice to have a thread of cleanish jokes so I'll start the ball rolling:-

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'


MAN: 'Yes'


WOMAN: 'I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only £2, 000. Is it OK if I buy it?'


MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'


WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new Models. I
saw one I really liked.'


MAN: 'How much?'


WOMAN: ' £ 66,000'


MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'


WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is
back on the market. They're asking £ 980,000'


MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £ 900,000. They will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it's really
a pretty good deal.'


WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'


MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths agape.


He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

[cosmicma]

Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says,
" Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies,
" Well we were married for nearly 20 years "


I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency...


My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
can you believe that 2:30am?!

Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums............



Missus goes to her Doctors for her test results....

Dr says....I'm really sorry but you have Hypochondria....

Missus says don't say I've got that as well!!


Such an unfair world, when a man talks dirty to a woman it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man it's £1.50 a minute! (some networks may vary)

a few to keep you chuckling

[GeoffWessex]

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in the snow-bound UK were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 16 to 20 cm of snow today. Residents are asked to park your cars on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow-ploughs can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, and the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 20 to 24 cm of snow today. Residents should park cars on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 24 to 28 cm of snow today. You should park...."
Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset and, with a worried look on her face she said, " I don't know what to do.
Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men exhibit when they have been married for a while, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the ******* car in the garage this time?"

[greenwing]

The wife asked me the other day what I was looking at on the internet. Truthfully, I told her I was seeking out cheap flights. I was treated to the most passionate bout of spontaneous lovemaking that we've had for many a long year. And, do you know, I never realised she had any interest in darts?

[wavemachine]

Q: What do you need a Wok for?
A: To throw at Wabbits!

[greenwing]

Glasgow lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time. Dad is sitting there, lad says "This is Amanda". Dad says "It's a f***ing WHAT?!?"

[OldBoy]

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself.. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds!!'

[karenoliver]

Anyone else think Oldboy should change his username to Naughtyboy? :-)

Karen

[wavemachine]

Originally Posted by karenoliver

Anyone else think Oldboy should change his username to Naughtyboy? :-)

Karen

Or Old <<SomethingElse>>

[jet_kit]

I took the wife away for Christmas.
We got dressed for Christmas dinner in our hotel room and my wife bathed and did her make-up, then got dressed in the bathroom. When she was ready she asked, "Be honest. Do I look big in this?"
I replied, "To be perfectly honest; Yes."
To be fair, it was a very small bathroom.